


It's never over

by doks



Category: Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, Prince Caspian never happened, Romance, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:55:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23563384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doks/pseuds/doks
Summary: They had happily ever after, and now they have nothing.
Relationships: Peter Pevensie/Susan Pevensie
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39





	1. My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder

_My sister! my sweet sister! if a name_

_Dearer and purer were, it should be thine;_

_Mountains and seas divide us, but I claim_

_No tears, but tenderness to answer mine:_

_Go where I will, to me thou art the same –_

_A loved regret which I would not resign._

_There yet are two things in my destiny, –_

_A world to roam through, and a home with thee._

(Epistle to Augusta – Lord Byron)

**My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder**

“Peter, you’re hurting me.” Susan complained when her brother clumsily tightened her dress instead of loosening it.

“Love must suffer, dear sister” he answered frustrated with her dress. “Why do you even wear those?” he asked finally undoing the knots on her cleavage. He slipped his right hand inside the dress to feel her breasts and felt proud when she sighed against him. Her nipples showed how much she wanted him.

“It’s tradition, I suppose.” She answered low. Her hot breath on his neck made him even harder.

“I think we should abolish these dresses. I’m King. I can do it.” He said removing the red, silky dress over her head.

“Are you sure it is clever to abolish these beautiful garments just so the High King can get laid?” Susan asked feeling the cold breeze on her body. They decided to meet discreetly near a river deep into the forest, a thin but luxurious sheet under them to protect their clothes from dirt. Their wedding would be happening in a week and they knew that the palace would be crazy with preparations and they’d probably not have time to see each other.

Peter stopped his motions to look at his sister. She had yet another dress, but this one was white and thin, used to protect her skin from the seam. He could see her through the fabric, the dark circles around her nipples were tantalizing him and he thought proudly that she was his. He looked at her eyes. “I wish you could wear this all the time.” He said with the thin cotton between his fingers.

“I’m sure you would be fine with your sister exhibiting herself to court on her undergarments.” Susan said with a sarcastic smile on her lips. Peter’s face matched her smile and he slipped his fingers into her, as he watched her closing her eyes and moaning his name. He felt her wet and hot for him. “I wouldn’t mind,” he said. Susan’s eyes opened again. She would say something, but he continued “as long as it’s my name you shout when you come.”

“Peter…” She said feeling her mouth dry “Stop”. It was just a whisper, but he heard. Peter looked at her eyes, asking silently what was the matter. She didn’t answer, but started to remove his pants. He was wearing his own complicated clothes, but she managed to peel his attires with grace. Peter felt his heart racing when she removed the last piece of clothing and grabbed his dick with experienced hands. He was kneeling on the sheet she had brought on her bag with water and food for _after_ and he looked down at her as she kissed his bellybutton leaving a wet trail down to his pelvis. Susan kissed and sucked her brother’s shaft with patient knowledge, she heard him sighing her nickname that sounded so alluring to her “Su…”

She stopped when she felt his hand on her face, pulling her up to meet his lips. They kissed leisurely, Peter felt such love for the woman on his arms. Susan stopped their kissing to remove the thin fabric still covering her body and Peter tossed it on top of the pile of clothes next to them. He didn’t wait to suck the sensitive skin on her neck and felt himself almost on the edge when she moaned louder. He pulled her left breast on his mouth and caressed the right one with his fingers. Peter could feel Susan’s scent, he adored her perfumed skin.

Susan shifted their position so she would be on top of him, determined to seek what she wanted, completion. She sat on his thighs, Peter didn’t complain, choosing to rest his hands on her waist, waiting her to start moving her hips and bring both of them to the edge. She moved vigorously, knowing they were already too worked up to go slow. She came first and barely acknowledged when Peter grabbed her hips and plunged up three or four times before finishing too.

Susan moved from Peter’s lap and lay next to him. Their hearts beating fast and this was probably her favorite moment when they made love. Peter would always have that lazy smile on his face and for a moment it seemed that they only had each other to worry about, not a whole realm.

Her long, bare legs were between his and she rested her head on his chest. His left hand was caressing her black hair, loving the silky feeling on his fingers. “What do you think of me growing a beard?” he asked suddenly.

She looked up at him with a strange expression “Why?” she asked without answering his question.

“Was thinking about it…” he answered.

“I think you would look rather dashing, my King.” She answered playfully looking at him. He smiled and looked at the sky. They would have a summer wedding of course. They had sent invitations to their friends and allies and they were starting to arrive. Decorators were already at the palace and they hired men to hunt for fresh meat to serve on the party. Peter felt a little overwhelmed with that many people on his home, so Susan prepared this little moment to enjoy each other’s bodies.

Susan has already seen her wedding dress. She loved what they’d done with the fabric she picked up and couldn’t wait to show it to her brother. Lucy was proudly handling everything, which made her even more grateful for having the family she had.

She traced her fingers on his battle wounds that she knew by heart where he had gotten them. Susan cried for each of them. She was now 23 years old, but her stance and her knowing eyes made her look older. To her, Peter looked like a king, ageless. He had this commanding tone, but his eyes were kind and honest. He would always stand tall, even when the weight of his crown seemed too much to handle. She couldn’t marry a more honorable man.

They stayed like this until the sun started to hide behind the mountains. Peter knew that they couldn’t walk all the way to the castle at night, it could be dangerous, so he sighed into her neck and prepared to leave. He helped Susan with her dress, tying up her back and straightening her hair. His clothes were easier and his hair was short, so it was fast.

Susan bent to fold the sheet they were laying on and put it in her bag. Everything was done with a companionship silence. They have been having sex since they were sixteen and seventeen, so they had time to adjust their relationship. They were married in all but paper. Peter hadn’t spent a night in his chambers in at least 4 years, since he decided that sleeping alone wouldn’t do anymore, so he moved all his things to Susan’s room and she welcomed him with a smile and a glass of wine.

When they were back, Susan heard Lucy whispering harshly something to Edmund. She looked at Peter and he shook his head “I don’t want to know” and he left to their room. Susan sighed, put a hand on her hips and looked at her younger siblings. They were always fighting these days, and she could tell that Edmund was upset that she trusted Lucy to take care of her wedding and not him.

“What is it this time?” Susan asked, getting their attention.

They looked at each other and Lucy hid something behind her back. Susan really wanted to care, but she was tired and her legs were sore. “Just tell me, Lu.”

“It’s nothing for you, Su. I’ll talk to Peter about it tomorrow.” Edmund answered, took what seemed to be a letter from Lucy’s hand and left. Susan just rolled her eyes and climbed the stairs to her room.

She found Peter with only his trousers, preparing a bath. He had poured a glass of scotch for himself and she felt the alcohol filling her nostrils. One thing everybody knew about High King Peter was that he adored his crown, his sister and his scotch, the order changed every day, but mostly his sister came first.

“Help me with these knots?” Susan asked trying to remove her dress again. There was a reason she had someone to help her dressing and she wondered if her brother was right on abolishing those difficult attires. “Sure.” She heard him saying before he turned her around and smoothly untying the knots he had made himself earlier.

“The bath is not warm, but it’s so hot today. I think it will do.” Peter said to her watching her remove her dress and walk around with that thin piece of cotton that enticed him. She opened the door to her closet to choose another complicated dress to wear for dinner. This one was purple and silver, but she comforted Peter saying that Ada would help her with it.

When dinner was ready, Peter sat on his usual seat and waited the food. He eyed Edmund, who looked a little worried and then Lucy, who couldn’t hide a single sentiment from her face to save her life. “What is it, Lucy and Edmund?”

The siblings looked at each other and Edmund got up, which made Peter look irritated and he was ready to follow his brother, but he arrived with the letter he had taken from Lucy earlier. “Apparently, some of our allies are not coming next week.” Edmund told Peter. “They wrote that we are still friends, but they do not approve of your wedding…”

Susan looked at Peter, surprised. He didn’t look at her, but his eyes were burning. “What? Let me see this.” He took the letter from Edmund’s hand and read it quickly. His lips were tight and Susan searched for his hand. He took his eyes off the letter for a moment when he felt her squeezing his fingers and looked at her. He seemed to calm a bit down.

When he finished reading, he handed the paper to his sister. “How are they so confident in sending us this letter? Simpler acts triggered wars.” He asked Edmund.

“They know we can’t match them in battle if they decide to ally themselves against us.” Edmund answered evenly. “I’m sorry, brother, but I think we should ignore the letter. I won’t even reply.”

The food arrived and they waited until the servants were gone to continue the conversation. None of them had the appetite to eat.

“Peter, you should listen to Edmund. It’s just smarter.” Susan told Peter, looking at his eyes.

“Su, are you not offended?” He asked her.

“I am. Of course I am, but I’m not sending my people to die over it.” She told him harshly. He took his eyes off her and got up his seat, ready to pour a glass of scotch for him and her. She accepted the glass and held his eyes with her own. “Peter…”

“We ignore, then…” he said sitting down.

Later, at their balcony, Peter enjoyed a cigar, a present from the same ally who wouldn’t come to his wedding. Susan sat next to him drinking a glass of wine, her legs were bare on his lap. He caressed her skin and feet with adoration, but he wasn’t in the mood for bed.

“You know what’s worse, love?” Susan lazily turned to look at him. “It’s not because we’re siblings. They’re using it as an excuse.” Peter said after a drag on the cigar.

Susan looked at the stars. She didn’t want to think about it, she knew her love for Peter scared people off, especially humans. Their people would never be scandalized by love. They were Aslan’s creation. Love was never wicked.

“They are sore, because I’m not marrying you off nor accepting a bride myself. They think we do this to avoid war commitments.” he continued. Susan wasn’t listening anymore. Her wine had kicked in and she felt her body relaxing. Peter’s hand on her legs, feet and thighs was getting her in the mood, but she knew Peter would want to sulk a little more. She leaned to kiss his mouth. He tasted of smoke, alcohol and frustration. His free hand on her nape was warm and protective, she loved him.

“I’m going to bed, Peter. I really am tired.” Susan told him already getting up. “Don’t forget to close the drapes when you come to bed. I love you.” He looked at her and nodded. He turned to face his kingdom and thought that he really didn’t have any reason to be angry. He had everything he wanted.

The wedding day was busy. Susan was separated from Peter early, Lucy knocked on her door before asking if they were decent and dragged her down to her bride room to do her hair, makeup and finally wear that dress she wanted to show Peter.

Her brother was not as busy, but apparently he needed to learn a number of diplomatic moves to woo international leaders. He didn’t want to make this day political, but Edmund was right, it was the perfect opportunity.

Susan was beautiful on her dress and Peter was as dashing as ever. They made their promises and exchanged rings. They moved to a different venue and Peter announced the beginning of the feast. Their guests sat on their reserved tables and enjoyed the evening, but somehow they didn’t see the newlyweds anymore. Edmund wanted to punch Peter for letting the opportunity pass, but Lucy calmed him. “It’s their wedding day, Ed. Let them enjoy it.” He looked at her and asked “What do you know of wedding day enjoyments, sister?” But she never answered, only rolled her eyes and left to talk to a guest.

The following years should have been the best of their lives. Peter managed to keep peace with the other kingdoms, Narnia was prospering, Edmund was now keen to bring visitors to his room and Peter secretly wished he would just get married, and Lucy was still an angel, even in her teenage years.

The High King could not ask for anything else. Except an heir.

When Susan had lost her virginity to him, he sent her to see a healer and care for her intimate health. She would take a mixture of seeds and herbs that prevent them from conceiving. She had stopped taking them when they got married, three years ago.

Four months into their marriage she had gotten pregnant, but one night she woke up with a puddle of blood on their sheets. They had called a midwife to take care of Susan while they tried, but they lost 3 children already, still early on. Susan was devastated and Peter didn’t know what to do to make her happy.

She would weep on the corners of the palace and he felt powerless. Edmund would go on and on about legacy, but he couldn’t care less about the future, he only wanted to give Susan everything.

“My love, why are you crying?” he asked her one morning. She answered that she had missed a moon. He sighed, but he was hopeful. He held her on his arms, and kissed her tears away. He was ready to give up an heir to stop her suffering. Edmund would eventually find a girl he likes enough to marry.

But hearing that they had another chance had him wishing for a baby that would look like him and his adored Susan. He called a new healer from afar. He was from one of those kingdoms that refused to come for his wedding, but Peter never even thought about that. He was recommended by Lucy, who was busying herself with research on childbirth to help her siblings.

But before the man arrived, Susan had already lost another child. She cried harder than the other times, and Peter accompanied her into her sorrow. His face was red from the crying and her fingers tried to dry his eyes. Susan almost forgot that Peter was feeling the same way she did, he would go to lengths to make her happy and she faked a smile or two for him, but it never occurred to her that he was faking it too. Susan felt that the following days he was back to being her partner.

They were a mess. They lay on their bed only on their underwear, she was on his chest and he busied himself with her silky hair. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Peter.” She said to him. “It’s not your fault, Su.” He replied. “We can be happy without a child. I only need you, Peter, nothing else.” She said looking at him. He replied with a kiss. She let his tongue enter and sighed before taking the rest of her clothes off.

The new healer was finally in Narnia by the afternoon. He looked at both monarchs and heard their story. He didn’t think much before saying that it was best if they gave up. It could be dangerous to Susan if she carried the pregnancy too long before losing the baby.

“May I be honest with you, Your Highness?” He said looking at Peter. “Of course.”

“This is certainly happening because you are bedding your sister. If you really love her, you should stop before you kill her.” Peter heard what the man said as if he was drunk. He never registered when he stood up and punched the healer’s face repeatedly. He only stopped when Susan came between him and the man, hugging Peter. “Peter, stop, you’re going to kill him!” she yelled. His fist had blood on it and he breathed heavily.

The man was removed from their chambers and they never really heard what became of him.

Susan was back taking her herbs. They would walk together over their realm to get to know their people, their trips felt like a honeymoon all over again and the King would often request that their bodyguards vanished so he could take his wife to himself without an audience. They were healing.

One day, Susan was taken by surprise. She would always count the days of the month so she would be prepared for her moon. But it didn’t come. Her heart raced thinking she could be pregnant, but never told Peter. She counted another month and her blood didn’t come once again. Two months.

She left Peter naked and smelling of scotch one night to look for Lucy. She confided on her sister, who looked as happy as ever. “I knew you shouldn’t give up having children, Su. Let us trust Aslan.”

Susan counted another month. No bleeding. Three months.

As the days progressed, Lucy was taking care of her sister closely. She basically removed Susan from Peter’s room completely. He complained and couldn’t understand the reason, thinking he must have done something to offend his wife. When he finally had access to Susan without Lucy around, he asked what on earth he had done to explain this separation. He said that whatever he had done he was sorry and a hand navigated on her thighs, trying to feel her warmth, but Susan removed his hand from her and said that she would explain everything in due time. She told him that he was the best husband she could ask for and kissed him goodbye, closing the door on his face.

Four months, she counted. She’s never had a child in her for so long, but she couldn’t let herself hope. She was so scared to suffer again.

In the fifth month, Peter had enough. Why would his siblings hide his wife from him? He barged into Lucy’s room and saw Susan lying on the bed next to Lucy. He saw clearly how protuberant Susan’s belly was and almost fainted.

“What is this, Su?” He asked kneeling near the bed, next to his wife. Susan looked at him and caressed his hair. “A baby, maybe.” She answered tentatively.

“Why did you hide from me, my love?” He asked with tears. She used her hands to remove the tears from his eyes and answered “I was protecting you.”

“I should be the one protecting you, Su. Come back to our room, I miss you so much.” He asked with a kiss on her shoulder.

“I can’t go, Peter. Lucy is helping me keep the baby. You’ll have to wait a few more months, love.” She said lifting his face to her.

“Brother, she’s doing well here. You don’t need to worry. She’ll come back to you with a baby on her arms. Just wait a bit more.” Lucy said looking at Peter. He stood up and took his youngest sister into his arms. “Thank you, Lu.” He said against her hair. “Have faith, Peter.” She removed herself from his hold. “I’m awfully thirsty. I’ll go to the kitchen and I’ll be right back.” Lucy said with a wink.

Peter sat on the bed where his sister was. He raised his hand to touch Susan’s belly with emotion. His hand had always felt powerful and sure against her body, but now he was almost afraid to touch her. His fingers traced her bellybutton and he felt compelled to bend and touch her stomach with his lips. He was going to have a child. Maybe.

Susan pulled her husband into a kiss. She missed him just as much, but couldn’t risk another baby. Being surrounded by Lucy’s care was working and Peter understood.

In the following days, Peter would always go to Lucy’s bedchambers to read a story to his child. Someone had told him that children listened even inside their mothers and he wanted his son or daughter to recognize him. Susan found it was endearing and Lucy melted watching her siblings’ romance.

Months followed and Susan’s womb would only grow bigger. They called a midwife and they felt ready for the baby. Susan spent her days knitting, her baby would be a winter child. Peter had read all children’s book on his library, which reminded him that he should buy more books to entertain his son or daughter.

They talked about names and landed in Princess Sophia if it was girl and Prince George if it was a boy.

A few days later, in the middle of the night, Susan woke up with a searing pain inside of her. She panicked and woke Lucy up. “It’s time, sister” Lucy said. The midwife was already on the room telling her to push harder when Susan turned to Lucy and said simply “Peter, Lu.” And she understood. They sent someone to wake him up and soon he was beside her, holding her hand. He whispered words of encouragement and Susan closed her eyes, feeling a fainting resemblance of when Peter was inside of her, only it hurt. A lot.

She pushed as hard as she could and with a scream, they heard a baby cry. She never heard a more delightful sound. She fussed, wanting to see the baby and Peter held it to her. It was a boy. Prince George, the brave.

The following days were nothing less than perfect to Peter. He felt something bigger than himself inside of him. He never knew this kind of love before. He saw his own eyes on his baby, which was also Susan’s. They would spend hours just looking at the little piece of themselves in the crib.

When Prince George, the brave, was baptized, Susan thought she saw Aslan’s mane reflecting through the sun. Lucy was sure.

To Susan, Peter looked more magnificent than ever in the following days. Her midwife advised her to avoid the marital bed for forty days after the baby was born and to remain taking her herbs when the time came.

She observed how a smile fit well on his features and when she told him what the midwife said he let a frustrated sigh. But the smile remained. “Just a few days now, Peter. You will not regret waiting, I swear.” She told him.

Exactly forty days after George was born, Susan took care of the hair on her legs, armpits and groin. She bathed with floral waters and cleaned her hair. Everything with baby George watching her. She wondered how her life without her son was, she couldn’t remember. He felt like such a big part of her life now. And she’s only known him for a few days.

“Tonight your father will be very happy, Georgie.” She smiled to herself feeling the water become colder.

She left her bath and called Ada to help her with a dress for supper. She looked herself on mirror and she thought that sometimes she felt magnificent too, and this was one of those days. Peter opened their door when she was just changing George into warmer clothing, sensing a cold night ahead of them.

“Hello, wife.” Peter said and he approached Susan from behind, sliding his hands into her waist and landing on her belly. He kissed her exposed shoulders and felt the smell he missed so much. “Peter, your son’s watching.”

“Good, he can learn a few things on pleasure by watching us.” He said trying to unknot her dress. Susan couldn’t believe she was saying that, but “Peter, we have to dine first. George has to eat.” He removed his hands from her, knowing she was right.

At the table, Lucy was happily telling them she had found a way into a lake that she could swear she had never seen. They would have to go there someday. Sure, Peter was interested in knowing Narnia more, but he couldn’t keep his eyes away from Susan when she was breastfeeding his son.

A glass of scotch was his companion as he sat with his family after dinner. Edmund told him something about doubling the size of their army if he apologized to the man who asked Lucy’s hand. Peter flicked his eyes to his brother and said “Lucy’s going to marry when she wants to, no sooner.”

“I agree with you, brother, but you have to apologize for the letter you wrote.” He observed how George began rejecting his mother’s milk and responded quickly to Edmund “Right. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

Susan respectfully hid her breasts and started to pat their son’s back. Peter’s eyes were ablaze and the whole room noticed. He couldn’t stop staring at Susan, so Edmund gave up on trying talking to Peter, retiring to his chambers. Lucy stayed a little more, never getting tired of watching this romance unfolding in front of her.

When George finally burped, Susan called Theodosia to put her baby on his crib for the night. He usually slept the night through, waking up only by 5am to eat. She stood up carefully handing her prince to his nursemaid. “We’re going to retire for the night, Lucy. Thank you for the delightful conversation.” And Lucy nodded knowing Susan hadn’t paid attention to any of what she was saying. Susan extended her hand to Peter and he quickly finished his glass. He held her fingers as if she was saving him from a cliff.

“Night, Lu.” He was surprised to remember Lucy was there.

Even before they got to their room, Peter pinned Susan, her cheek touching the wooden door of their bedroom. His breathing was rough and he started to suck on Susan’s neck from behind. His hand tried to feel her breasts through the fabric of her dress and she moaned feeling him hard behind her. “Let’s get inside.” She said freeing herself from his hold.

Peter opened the door and turned to Susan, so he could remove her dress. He thanked Susan for choosing an easy one to undone. He removed all her clothes quickly and pushed her to their bed.

“Su, will you forgive me if I’m not a gentleman tonight?” He whispered. She looked at his eyes and the light in them could lit the whole room. “Just make me scream your name, Peter.” And he promised he would.

Life was good those years. More than good, it was perfect. Peter watched his son growing up and tried not to miss his firsts. He was present when he walked for the first time, but he missed when George spoke a muffled “mommy”. He taught him how to handle a sword when he turned 5, it was a wooden one, of course. Peter took George everywhere as soon as he learned how to walk by himself. He wanted to show him their realm and show him how to defend it.

When George turned 10, Peter talked to his son’s calligraphy teacher that he would have to be excused. They rode across the land and Peter showed him the grounds of his first battle in Narnia. He told his son everything he remembered from his previous life and taught him to never trust the white witch or someone like her.

They arrived for supper and Susan prepared a small party for her son. Peter smiled and kissed Susan as if he missed her. Prince George turned at his aunt and they shared a look. Definitely, Lucy found in George a companion to root for her siblings’ love.

Four months later, Edmund prepared an outing for the whole family. He told them he had something to say and he preferred doing it outside. So they all grabbed their horses and rapidly approached the forest. George stayed home catching up with his history and geography homework.

Edmund was all secretive and out of nowhere he bet who would get the stag first. Susan knew he was just stalling.

When he stopped, Peter turned his horse and his sisters followed. They mocked Edmund, and he accepted with good humor, but Peter was captivated by something else. A lamppost. It seemed familiar, but he couldn’t remember from where. His other siblings seemed to feel the same.

“As if from a dream.”

“Or a dream of a dream.”

_To be continued_


	2. All my riches for her smiles

**All my riches for her smiles**

They barely noticed when they fell on the floor. Peter felt his body lighter and smaller, his mind seemed clouded, like in a dream. He knew who these people next to him were, but their faces were different. He searched for his wife, but couldn’t find her. Instead, he saw three children sprawled on the floor and he barely recognized them.

When the door opened, he seemed to get his bearings and he realized where he was. Everything from his previous life seemed to come back to his mind. Mother, Father, the war. He looked at his own hands and missed the calluses from holding a sword. He could only see a small sized hand, no bigger than his son’s.

His son. George. He searched for him on the room, but he already knew he wouldn’t find him there. Suddenly, a deep sense of loss washed over his body. He looked at Susan and she was looking at her own hands, probably feeling like he did a few moments ago. She looked like a child.

The following days were confusing. It was like their brain couldn’t process what was happening. Susan would spend hours looking at her naked body in front of the mirror and she couldn’t recognize herself, it was like she was in someone else’s body. Peter felt ashamed of being weak. The four siblings experienced separation for the first time in decades. Each of them dealing with this change alone.

When they received their mother’s letter letting them know it was safe to return home, they were way too disconnected from reality to even react. They just went through the motions, grabbing their things and taking the train to London. On the way, Lucy touched Peter’s face. He turned to his sister and he seemed to really see her this time, his baby sister. They hugged under Edmund and Susan’s indifferent gazes.

Peter and Lucy were the first ones to accept this reality. They would reunite Edmund and Susan to talk about what happened at night, but they never responded anything. Peter wanted to comfort Susan, especially, but he felt wrong, he didn’t want to touch her.

One night, Edmund opened Lucy’s door and cried on her little arms. He had woken up.

A few days later, Peter saw Susan in front of their parents’ mirror crying. He walked slowly and sat on their parents’ bed to look at her. He knew she had woken up too. She looked at his eyes through the reflection on the mirror and never turned around. She left him there, shame flashed on her eyes.

School started again and the siblings had to take the train to get there. They would always leave together, even though they rarely talked. They walked touching arms, but in silence.

One day, weeks after school started, Lucy spoke. She told them how she liked her new teacher and how her new friends treated her well. In the following days, she would always say something about her day, and one of those days Edmund replied her. He said that the teacher should like her because she was definitely the smartest kid in class, because she was not a kid at all. Peter looked at Ed and agreed.

Lucy and Edmund would always start an argument on their way to school and Peter often had to meddle to settle a discussion. Susan never said anything. Until one day, when Edmund was telling them that a kid had broken all the test tubes in his science class accidentally when his shirt got stuck in the desk drawer. Susan laughed. She found that story so amusing that she had laughed for at least three whole minutes.

At first, Peter and Edmund were surprised, but then they joined with little giggles, until they were all four breathless and had smiles on their faces. After that day, Susan was still quiet, but she would share stories about her day too. Peter held on to those moments, because they were the only opportunity to hear her voice.

Peter and Susan were never together alone. Peter noticed how she avoided those situations, but he didn’t want to be alone with her either. He didn’t know what to say.

Weeks, months and years passed and they got used to their routine. School, homework, dinner and sometimes the siblings would play cards at night. Peter, now fifteen, insisted that he wanted to join a martial arts class. Their parents agreed when he asked.

Susan was constantly in a bad mood. She would observe how her siblings just went on with their lives, but she couldn’t. She mostly watched Peter. In the beginning, he would fight anyone who disagreed with him, knowing that once upon a time everything out of his lips was an order. Susan noticed that he would fight less and less people, because he understood, he was the first one who got it. They weren’t monarchs anymore.

Commanding would only bring people to dislike them in this world, so he mastered the arts of asking. His blue honest eyes and his politeness would get him anywhere, but Susan resented him for it. She saw when he _asked_ their parents to join the gym and they just couldn’t say no to his innocent eyes and she felt embarrassed for him.

A couple of years later, Peter was seventeen. He had grown muscles and a great sense of self knowledge. He wanted to practice martial arts because he wanted to lash out the anger inside of him, but he also wanted to find balance between his mind and his body. He was disciplined, focused and he had a goal. He wanted to win Susan over again.

She, on the other hand, hadn’t really been able to let go of her resentment. She hated most things and she couldn’t trust her siblings anymore. It seemed each of them had found a path to follow, but she just couldn’t let go of the past. She still dreamed of George’s face and she wept at night.

She hated Peter the most. She hated how well he was doing, how everybody loved him, how their parents proudly introduced him around. The siblings still went to school together, but that was pretty much all they did together these days. Lucy and Susan slept in the same bedroom, but they didn’t talk much when they were alone.

Susan was sixteen now and she knew she was pretty. Her friends wouldn’t stop talking about boys and their giggles annoyed her, and sometimes they would tell her about someone who wanted to date her, but she always refused.

One night, Peter waited all his siblings retire for the night and when Susan got up her seat to follow Lucy upstairs, she felt him hold her right elbow strongly, stopping her in her tracks. His touch burned her skin and her breathing got caught up her throat. She remembered those eyes.

“Stay, Su.” He said simply, letting her go of his hold on her arm. She didn’t move, her foot still on the first step of the stairway.

The lights were dimmed and all Susan could hear was her heart and Peter’s shallow breathing. She saw him getting closer to her and pulling her arm down, so she could step out of the stairs. He felt her breathing close to him and raised a hand to her face, bringing their lips together.

It was a light kiss, and Susan closed her eyes. Peter closed his eyes too and moved both of his hands to each side of her face. He tried to deepen the kiss, but a moment before his tongue touched hers, she pulled away and ran to her room. She cried that night.

The next morning was oppressive to Susan. She felt Peter watching her, his intense eyes on her when they ate breakfast and all the way to the school. She wanted to run away, and dreaded the moment they would meet again to go home. What happened the night before broke her heart.

Susan knew that in this world their love was forbidden and she thought they had a mutual, silent understanding. Last night was like a spell had been broken between them. It’s been years since she hadn’t felt his desire and she was terrified of his eyes. What if father noticed? This could ruin them both.

When school was over, Susan saw Peter with a cigarette in his fingers and one of his hands inside the pocket of his pants. He had seen her first and he was staring at her with those scorching eyes. She shivered.

“Since when do you smoke?” Susan asked when she approached him.

“Since I was 21.” He answered, referring to another life. He removed his hand from his pocket and rested on the small of her back, encouraging her to keep walking.

“Where are Lucy and Edmund?”

“I asked Edmund to take care of Lucy for me today.”

Peter was leading them to a park near their school. There were trees and grass and the heat was not overwhelming, it almost seemed somewhere else and not this grey, ugly city. They stopped next to a tree and Peter looked at Susan with his sure eyes that scared her.

“Su, do you still love me?” Peter asked blatantly. Susan didn’t answer. Their eyes locked. “Because I still love you. Not only like a sister, but like a man loves his wife.” She reacted to the word. Her eyes looked hurt and angry. Her lips twisted in disgust.

“I’m no one’s wife. I’m a child.” She responded looking at her brother. He finished his cigarette and tossed it on the ground.

“You’re not a child, Susan.”

“I feel like one.”

“But you’re not.”

They were still looking at each other’s eyes. “We can’t do this, Peter. It’s dangerous.” She whispered. “It’s called incest here and it’s a felony.” He winced when he heard that word, like she had pinched him.

“I’m not scared, Susan.” He said with his hand on her shoulder.

“I am.” And she walked away, leaving Peter alone.

At home, Lucy looked at Susan with expectant eyes. She ignored her sister and went upstairs. Edmund looked at his little sister and sighed.

Peter returned home after a few hours and they acted like nothing happened.

Susan noticed how Peter was constantly trying to create opportunities to meet her alone and she knew her siblings helped him. She didn’t want to be alone with him, she was scared of crossing that line and even if she couldn’t admit it, she missed him. She missed his kisses, his hands on her body, his breathing on her neck. She dreamed of him one night and she spent the rest of the day avoiding his eyes afterwards.

He never tried to kiss her after that day. Every time they were alone, he would take her hand and brush their fingers together and it all could be very innocent, but she knew it wasn’t.

One night, Saturday night, she was helping her mother get ready for a party that their parents had been invited to. It was black tie, but they didn’t have money to buy new dresses or new anything, so they were choosing the best attire for the event. Susan knew her mother had good taste in clothes so it wasn’t very difficult finding a perfect one to wear. After she was ready, Susan waved them goodbye and closed the door. When she turned around, Peter was just centimeters away from her, she could smell his scent and she recognized the fire in his eyes.

He leaned down to press his lips to hers and she let him, she couldn’t resist. Susan’s hands went up to the back of his head and his hands traveled around her back. He moaned when their tongues met and she melted into him, her body went limp and he caught her, pinning her to the front door. Their breathing was loud and in the back of her mind she thought of her younger siblings, but the heaviness of Peter’s presence was enough to erase everything from her mind. She only felt him.

His lips left her mouth for a moment and he sucked that sensitive spot in her neck that made her shiver. She gasped and lifted her head up to give him access to more of her skin. Her hands were buried in his hair and she loved the feeling in her belly. It was all very familiar to her.

His hands were now on the brink of her dress and he pulled the skirt up to feel the soft skin of her thighs. His hands were experienced, even if he hasn’t touched a woman’s body in years. Susan felt he turning her around and now she was facing the door, from behind he started to kiss her nape and his hands touched the inside of her cleavage.

Peter was hard. He felt it as his pants started to feel tight and uncomfortable. He couldn’t help as the proximity between him and his sister made his body move on its own, so he thrust his cock on her behind and she was suddenly aware of everything around her: his breathing on her neck, his hands and his hard thickness on her back.

She moved away from his hold and caught her own breathing. He looked at her and she started to cry. He approached her quickly, holding her as she cried on his shoulders. “We can’t, Peter.” She said between sobs. Her hand on his nape. “I can’t love you like this, not here.”

“Susan, I can’t be happy without you.” He whispered. “I need you.”

“This world will never allow us to be happy, Peter. You have to understand.” She said, her voice coarse from crying.

“We’ll leave this city. We’ll go somewhere else. We have to try.” He started to leave small kisses on her face.

“Our parents will never stop looking for us” she closed her eyes, letting him comfort her with his lips.

“We’ll find a way…” He said low.

“We won’t.” She replied roughly. She looked coldly at him and he backed away. She left him alone in their living room.

A few weeks after that, Susan was invited to a date by one of her classmates. She wasn’t very interested, but she wanted to get Peter out of her head. Her body felt different, she was constantly hot and bothered and her brother’s eyes on her all the time made her feel self-aware. She accepted going out with him.

Sarah, her friend, had told her he wanted to ask her out for weeks but was too scared. Susan wasn’t impressed by the information.

When he rang the bell of her home, she was ready to leave under her siblings’ concerned eyes. Edmund was annoyed, Lucy looked like she was about to cry, but Peter’s eyes were blank. He didn’t let any emotion out and she felt relieved.

When they left, Lucy held Peter’s hand. “How are you feeling, brother?”

“I’m fine.” He answered. Peter wasn’t exactly jealous. He knew that Susan wouldn’t fall in love with a high school boy. She was far too experienced to be dazzled by popcorn and ice cream. He was curious, though. Why would she agree going out with this boy? He lighted a cigarette and went outside.

He knew her body felt desire, he experienced that too. Their hormones were crazy and sometimes he felt like masturbating 20 times a day. Would she sleep with that boy to get rid of that itch? Were they really so distant that she wouldn’t pursue his body for pleasure? If she did sleep with that boy, would he make her come? He doubted it. She had had him and he knew everything about her, he knew every corner of her body, every sensitive spot. He doubted she would even have the patience for fumbling teenage hands.

Later, they had eaten and retired for bed, but Peter couldn’t sleep. He was waiting. He had yet another cigarette on his mouth and he was staring at the window. Edmund was watching Peter, but didn’t say anything. Two black shadows appeared on the corner of the street and he recognized Susan’s silhouette walking side by side with that boy. Peter looked at the clock on his nightstand and smiled. 9:50, right on time.

He closed the window and slipped under his sheets, ready to sleep. Peter and Edmund were startled when they heard their door opening fast. Susan entered without saying anything and walked fast to Edmund’s bed. She took his sheets with a hand, then his arm with the other and shoved him out of the bedroom, closing the door on his face. Peter watched the whole scene with amusement, a smile on his lips.

“Poor Edmund” he said, when she turned her attention to him. The lights were off, so he couldn’t see the expression on her face, but he knew her body and he knew what she wanted. Susan undressed herself quickly, dropping her dress on the floor and slipped under Peter’s sheets. He welcomed her with a hug, but she moved again and sat across his lap, capturing his lips.

Susan felt him getting harder under her and she moaned on his mouth. Peter removed his clothes fast, Susan was kissing his chest with open mouthed kisses. She remembered too.

He turned them around and suddenly she was under him, looking at his eyes. She felt him sighing against her neck, but he was just breathing her in, he wanted to feel that scent, but it wasn’t there. All he could smell was perfume and body cream, which was good, but he missed the floral scent on her skin.

He moved down to taste her breasts. They were hard and almost fit completely inside his mouth. He barely remembered when they were like this in Narnia. When they left, her body was so different. She was a grown woman then, a mother. Her breasts were bigger and her hips weren’t as skinny as they were tonight. But then, he knew he was different too. He was broader, he had scars and calluses, he had a beard. Making love to Susan tonight felt new, but they had been like this before. They were exactly this old when started to have sex in Narnia.

He moved his lips down her navel and he licked her whole body. Her heavy breathing was daring him to go even further down. He put her leg on his back, loving the smell of her need. She was already wet. He licked, kissed, nipped her with his lips, her hips were shaking and he knew she was close. Peter was concerned for a moment, remembering how loud she was when she came. Their parents were next door.

He stopped on his tracks and she looked like she wanted to kill him, but it was just for a moment and he whispered “cover your mouth”, he proceeded to pleasure her. She was close, so close he could taste it. He heard her muffled scream and her legs pressed his head strongly. He almost drowned on her wetness.

There it was. He did it. Peter never actually felt insecure, but it has been years since he had touched her body like this. He had to resort to memory here and there. “You didn’t come.” She said after her breathing stabilized. “We’re not finished.” He replied, just a whisper and she shivered. Ah, being young again, he thought.

Peter lay next to her, the bed was small, but they have been together in worse places. She was looking at the darkness of his ceiling and Peter started to touch her chest again, like a massage. She closed her eyes to feel his touch overwhelm her. She thought she remembered how it was, but the truth is that feeling him touching her was so much better. He knelt on the bed and his hands touched her whole torso. Up and down.

He knew when she started to tense up again. He stopped and stepped out of the bed. She opened her eyes and saw him in the dark. He turned the bedside lamp on and searched for something inside his nightstand drawer. The room was a little brighter now, she could see his body completely. He looked good, she thought. Even though he was young, the way his hands handled her were certain and safe, like it had been once.

“Do you know what this is?” he asked holding a condom.

“Yeah.” She answered.

“Would you help me putting it on?” he asked. She laughed shaking her head and took the object on his hand. She had never touched one before, but she had the general idea of how to use it.

He sat on the bed in front of her. Her legs were casually open, he could feel her scent. “You have to hold the tip, yes, like this, Su.” His eyes fluttered when she rolled the rubber material down his cock. Susan felt how hard he was and that familiar tingle down her belly made itself present again.

“You’re a maiden, aren’t you?” he asked looking at her. She didn’t feel like she was, but she nodded. “I’ll be a gentleman.”

And he was. His thrusts were slow and deliberate, he wanted her to come again. Susan felt so loved and she hated herself for doing this to Peter. Her moans were like fire for him, and he sped up his movements until he felt her walls closing on him. She came with his mouth on hers and he let himself go.

Susan was familiar with this scene. His lips had that post sex smile, but she didn’t feel good. She felt like she was the worst person on the planet. She used him in a way that she never thought she would.

When she was on that date, Susan thought she could be normal. She could fall in love with one of those boys in her class, but they would never be as good as Peter in bed or in anything else. Having Peter as a standard was not fair, none of them could match him.

But none of them were related to her. And she couldn’t do anything to change that. It was a fact.

“Listen, Peter.” She said getting up. “This will never happen again.” He saw that smile vanish from his face and he frowned.

“What?” He asked watching her dressing herself.

“You’re my brother. You can’t be nothing more.” She felt herself die a little inside.

Peter was breathing fast with a deep scowl. He was angry.

Susan left the room with tears already on her eyes. She opened the door to her room and was surprised to see Edmund on her bed. She had forgotten about him. She looked at Lucy’s body on the bed and lay with her sister. Lucy woke up a little and turned to hug Susan. She didn’t sleep that night, she only cried.

The next few days were horrible. Peter couldn’t stand looking at Susan, it was like he wanted to hit her every time she was close. So she avoided him as much as she could, living in the same house. 

Eventually, his anger would subside, Susan thought. But it never did and she once again felt oppressed by his eyes. Peter wasn’t a violent man and he never touched her unless to give her pleasure. Even in their worst fights or his worst drunken nights, he had never looked at her the way he did these days. She felt like a whore, but in her mind, it was justifiable. She needed to find someone else. She had to leave this house.

Susan was seventeen now. Last year of high school. Susan started to date this guy, Daniel. He was nice enough to her and sex with him wasn’t bad, she would often come. He was a romantic and she felt he was reliable. He was cute too, his eyes were blue and his hair was black, like hers. There was just a problem: she didn’t love him, at all. She liked him, sure, but she wasn’t in love. She wanted to, she tried to be and she was still trying, but it just wasn’t there.

Daniel was clueless though. He was head over heels in love with Susan. He wanted to marry her, he said. And she was flattered, happy even.

Peter didn’t want anything to do with Susan anymore. He stopped pursuing her and focused on his studies and his sport. Peter had been accepted in a number of universities and colleges across the country and two in America. He was proud of himself and his parents were driving him all around to look at those schools so he could make the correct choice and pick the best one for him.

One day, Peter and both his parents went to a campus near London, but he forgot his forms, so he had to drive himself back home and retrieve it. When he entered his house, he heard a bump upstairs. There wasn’t supposed to be anyone at home, so he worried. Quietly he climbed the stairs, but the noises he heard were very different from what he expected.

He heard Susan’s moans from inside her bedroom and he froze. She wouldn’t do this to him at his own house. His mind went blank, because suddenly he understood something that was on the back of his mind since they slept together that night. They were over. Finished. She was the love of his life, but the woman he had gotten married to remained in Narnia, she wasn’t in London.

He knew her enough to know that she was close. He waited. When he heard that cry he had caused so many times, he decided to enter the room. Both teenagers were startled when Peter entered her room. He watched calmly the boy clumsily trying to dress himself and he looked at Susan, who had a deep red stain on her cheek. She covered her breasts with her sheets.

“Look, Peter, I really love your si-.” Daniel tried to speak, but Peter sent him a deadly look, interrupting him “Leave.” The boy looked at Susan and she nodded. He left the two siblings alone in Susan’s bedroom.

“Is this really happening?” Peter asked her. She held his eyes, but didn’t say anything. “You know, Susan. I really did think we had a chance. I tried so hard to be the man I was before, a man you would admire, respect and love. But it was never about it, was it?” He lighted a cigarette, his voice was even. “You love me, I know you do.” She looked away. “But you are a coward. My wife wasn’t. She would jump into battle to protect her people, fight men double her size. You would just hide.” She heard the disgust in his voice and she knew he didn’t love her anymore. “You were right. We can’t be together. I don’t know who you are and I think you don’t know either.”

He left her room and she heard him walking around the house before the front door opened and then closed. He was gone. And she cried.

Peter decided that he couldn’t be around her anymore. He had been accepted at NYU and he told his parents that he had decided to leave the country. He needed a fresh start, far from her.

He left England without saying anything to Susan. Lucy was devastated and Edmund told Peter he was doing the right thing. His brother watched all of Peter’s heartbreak since the beginning. He hated what Susan was doing to him, but Lucy was sure they would find a way. Edmund just hoped Peter would find happiness.

_To be continued_


	3. All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter

**All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter**

Peter’s years in New York were full of discoveries. He had been an adult before, but it was in a different land, different time. In Narnia, he was surrounded by beasts and mythological creatures, he rarely saw any humans except his siblings.

Here, on the other hand, was full of humans. He found out that sometimes it was best to keep his opinions to himself and he also found out that _asking_ wouldn’t always get what he wanted. He learned that his commanding tone from his previous life helped sometimes.

He learned how to cook and how to manage his life with little money. Peter discovered that this whole new world existed apart from his family and sometimes he was overwhelmed. His first years were trying, but he had always been charismatic, so people tended to like him or help him.

He also learned that American girls found his accent attractive. He was shy in the beginning, a splotch of red would appear on his neck and cheek when a girl hit on him, and somehow it even made him more appealing. But it took long months to Peter kiss someone else. In his whole life there was only Susan and now he strangely felt like he was betraying her.

Peter had a roommate, Mark. They got along immediately. They went out to parties and Peter recognized in his friend a part of himself that wanted to explore. He had come from a small town in Indiana and all he wanted was to leave that place and experience something new. Peter felt like this too. In both his lives he only had his family, which he still appreciated and loved, but now that he was far away, he felt like he could know something different. He wasn’t responsible for little kids anymore, he didn’t have to set an example to anyone.

He let his studies slip in the beginning, but in his third year in New York, he had developed a system to keep his grades above average and still go out most nights. Mark and Peter had as much fun as one would expect two young adults to have.

Peter often received letters from his family, mostly from Lucy. His parents signed their letters together and Edmund sent him frequent, but short notes. Susan never wrote anything, he didn’t expect her to. Once or twice a month he would receive a phone call too. It was expensive to call to another country, plus the time zones were completely different.

But he really cherished the moments he could hear his family’s voice. He melted a little when he heard Lucy, she was so sweet and she often had something interesting to tell him about. He was telling Lucy and Edmund how he felt ready to go to law school and how hard he was studying these days.

He sometimes asked about Susan, but they would answer him with vague sentences, she’s fine, she’s doing well. And he wanted to know more, but refrained asking these questions. He wasn’t angry anymore and he felt a void in his heart, because he didn’t know how he felt about her. He definitely cared about her safety and her well-being, but more than that, he wasn’t sure.

He was sitting on the old couch listening to Lucy as she told him about school. He heard the door of his bedroom open and he saw a girl on the doorframe wearing only his discarded shirt from last night and he put a finger on his lips, asking for silence. Somehow he didn’t want Lucy to know he had a girl over.

“Brother, are you listening?” Lucy asked.

“Of course I am, Lu.” And he was. He really did enjoy talking to his sister. He felt like she was the person who knew him best and had always the right answer for his problems.

“So, Henry heard her saying that and he asked me out. Can you believe that?” She told him excitedly.

“As a date? Are you sure, Lu? You’re only fifteen.” He answered a little carefully, watching the girl in his room move next to him on the sofa.

“Not you too, Peter!” She answered annoyed.

“Okay, okay. I guess you are old enough.” He laughed. “Lu, I’ll hang up now, okay? I really need to do something now. I will call you soon, I promise.” He heard her saying how she missed him and that she would write.

“You are so cute.” He heard the girl saying. She had green eyes and her hair was almost blond. She was gorgeous.

“Me? No, you are cute.” He answered gallantly. Eventually it became easy for him to woo girls into his room. He was always gentle and some girls wanted more of him, but he couldn’t give it to them. He wasn’t ready.

She laughed at his words and he leaned her down the sofa, his hands caressing her buttocks.

In the following months, all Peter heard about was this Henry guy. Lucy would write about his appearance, his voice, how smart he was. And Peter knew that his little Lucy had finally found love.

One day, going through his mail, he saw something that shattered his heart. A wedding invitation from Susan and Philip. The ceremony would be happening in five months. He felt his heart pounding and he felt lost. He called Lucy.

“Peter! It’s good to hear your voice.” She said over the phone.

“It’s good to hear your voice too, sister.” He said. “Lu, is Susan really getting married?” he asked tightly. He heard her sighing.

“She is. Brother, she is a mess. She shouldn’t be getting married. Are you coming?” She replied.

“I can’t, Lu. I can’t go.” She understood. She didn’t want to go either.

The day came and they sent Peter some photos. She looked beautiful in that wedding dress. Lucy and Edmund were bigger than he remembered. He really missed his family.

He didn’t look up to see Mark entering the room. He casually leaned to see what Peter had in his hands and asked “Who’s the bride?”

“My sister.”

“The kid? Isn’t she like, fifteen?” He looked confused.

“My other sister, Susan.” Peter answered. It’s been a while since he hasn’t talked about her.

“She’s hot.” He said nonchalantly.

“Hey!” Peter growled.

“What?” Mark looked at him.

“Don’t talk about my sisters.” Peter said serious.

“Wow” Mark whispered behind his back, entering in his room.

A year passed and Peter received a phone call from Lucy, she was seventeen. He could tell she was happy. She told him a little bit more about Henry and how Mother and Father missed him. She told him that Edmund was going out with a girl and they seemed serious, for once. He told her a bit of his life too. He had moved from NYU and was now living alone in a rented apartment. It wasn’t big or luxurious, but he felt proud to have it. He was in law school now and he had gotten an internship. Things were well for him too.

“Peter, I have to tell you something, but you can’t be mad at me.” Lucy told him suddenly serious.

“Lucy! You can’t lead with that. Now I’m mad at you and I don’t even know what you did.” He told her a little annoyed.

“Brother, you remember Henry, right?” She said as if she could talk about anything else. She’s been with him for three years now.

“Yes, Lu. Of course I know Henry.” He rolled his eyes.

“I have recently gotten… intimate with him…” She said carefully. Peter frowned. Why on earth would she tell him that?

“…Okay? Was it… protected?” He asked awkwardly. “I really am not comfortable talking about this with you, Lucy…” He heard her sighing. “Can’t Susan help you with that?”

“She doesn’t talk to me, Peter. She doesn’t even reply my letters…” Damn Susan, he thought. She heard him sighing. An awkward silence hung between them.

“Do you hate me?” She asked.

“No, Lucy. Why would I hate you? Sex is… normal. It’s good. I hope it was good for you.” He said.

She nodded, but he couldn’t see. “It was nice.” She said with a small smile.

“Can we end this awkwardness?” He begged.

“Yes, brother. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I haven’t told anyone else.” She said and he felt touched that she trusted him.

“Sure. Bye, Lu.” They hung up.

Another year passed and Lucy sent him a letter that actually cheered him up. She wrote that Henry had asked her to marry him and they haven’t decided on a date yet. She wrote that Edmund had broken up with that girlfriend of his and that their parents had gotten a second honeymoon last month. Before saying her goodbyes, she wrote a PS. _Susan is getting divorced._

Peter was happy to receive that letter too. He was happy about his sister’s engagement. Sure, that was good, but Lucy knew him enough to save the best for last.

He replied her letter saying that he had taken the bar exam and he felt confident about it. His boss had told him that he would hire him as soon as he got the results. He wrote that he was happy about her engagement and joked that he wanted to buy a pricy gift for her, so she should wait until he passed his exam to get married. He also told her that he was seeing a girl now and that they had been going out, as in multiple times. It was the first time since Susan, but he didn’t write that.

He ended the letter with a PS: _bummer._

This girl he had been seeing was called Lily. She was nice, but a bit fiery. Her hair was dyed in a dark red, almost black. She had some curls and he liked talking to her. She wasn’t judgmental, the day they met Peter was a mess. He was in a bar with some friends from the firm and he had drunk way too much. He started to babble about his ex and how he felt like a fool for crying for someone who didn’t care about him. She was in his apartment and instead of hot, meaningless sex she held him and told him he would be fine.

The next day was awkward, but she comforted him, saying that she had been there. Since then they would see each other on weekends and she never asked about his ex.

A month later, another letter came and with it, a wedding invitation. This one he was actually excited to attend. Lily was at his apartment when he opened the letter. He looked at her and said “Do you want to be my date?”

“At your sister’s wedding? Are you sure?” She asked thinking it could be too early for such an intimate event.

“You don’t need to go, if you don’t want to, but I’d be happy to take you.” He said with that accent. “You have time to decide, it’s only in two months.”

“Ah, what the hell. Let’s to go England, I guess.” He smiled and held her hand.

He replied the letter saying that he would take a plus one and that he had passed the bar exam. His boss liked his work and he was now actually working as a lawyer in a law firm in New York. He was proud of himself.

The months passed quickly. Lily had never traveled by airplane and she seemed terrified. He calmed her down by shoving alcohol at her face until she passed out. It was a 9 hour flight, she was probably better off. He actually started to freak out a little. He would be seeing his family after… 7 years. They never visited. It was too expensive. And he’d be taking a girlfriend that he had met only a few months prior. Maybe he had made a bad decision. Truth be told, he was only worried about seeing Susan again.

When Lily woke up, her head was pounding and her mouth was dry. She looked at Peter and he had his eyes closed, but she could tell that he wasn’t sleeping.

“Hey” she said lightly. “Are you as hung over as I am?”

“I haven’t drunk anything.” He said without opening his eyes. “I brought some aspirin though.”

“You’re a prince.” She said leaning to kiss his lips. He smiled and handed her the white capsules.

“We’re almost there.” He said.

“You look tense.” He looked at her for a moment and nodded.

“I haven’t seen my family in years. Do I even know them anymore?” He asked with his eyes closed.

“Peter…” she held his hand “You are constantly writing them letters and talking on the phone with them. My family lives closer and I don’t remember the last time my mother bothered to give me a call…”

“My siblings and I… we’ve always been very close. I just hope we didn’t lose that.” He said getting up, saying he would wash his face on the chemical bathroom.

Lucy’s wedding would be in a church, but the reception would be in their family’s backyard. They had the space and they didn’t have to accommodate anyone, since most of her guests lived in London already. Knowing Lucy the way he did, it would be a simple but classy reception.

When they took the cab, Peter’s heart started to pound a little bit faster. He remembered those streets and he didn’t miss the bleak air in the city. Lily looked in awe, she didn’t come from money, so she never traveled too far. This was definitely the farthest she was from home. He looked at the watch on his wrist and saw the time, eight-thirty pm.

Turning on the corner, Peter could see clearly Edmund and Lucy on their parent’s porch. They were waiting for him. He felt his heart leap, he really missed his them.

He got out of the cab and he barely had time to stand when Lucy jumped on him. She hugged him so tightly that he felt like he couldn’t breathe. But he never tried to end the embrace, he missed her. Edmund said something behind them and Lucy freed Peter from her hug. Edmund hugged him just as strongly and Peter finally felt like coming home.

“You must be Lily.” Peter heard Lucy say as they walked on the porch to get to the house.

“Yeah, and you’re Lucy.”

“No one’s going to try to guess who I am?” Edmund said playfully. He took her hand and said his name.

When they entered, Peter saw as Susan left the kitchen and entered the living room. He took her in with his eyes and he felt like the rest of the world didn’t exist anymore. She wore a red sundress and she looked older, her eyes were kinder. Her eyes. They locked eyes as soon as they saw each other and Peter felt like he couldn’t breathe. And just like this, he loved her all over again.

He walked two strides forward and took her in his arms strongly. She welcomed him warmly. Her hands were on his nape and back, his arms enveloped her whole body, their eyes closed. He felt as she started to cry on his shoulder and he fought the tears away from his own eyes. “I’ve missed you, my love.” He whispered on her ear and she cried even harder.

Lily felt awkward watching the scene before her. She felt it was so intimate and she didn’t even know who that girl was. She took her eyes off the couple in front of her and looked at Lucy, she was also watching them, but she had a big smile on her lips, she didn’t feel awkward like she did. She looked at Edmund, but he wasn’t smiling and she didn’t know him enough to guess what he was thinking.

Lily saw as Peter and Susan broke their embrace when they heard someone saying from the kitchen “Susan, leave a little piece of Peter for us too.” Peter quickly searched inside his pocket and handed Susan a handkerchief, so she could dry her tears. His hand was on her face before he turned around to hug an older woman, his mother, Lily assumed.

Lily’s eyes continued on Susan as she tried to catch her own breathing and drying her tears. She had to look away from the woman when she heard Peter calling her name to introduce her to his parents. Susan’s eyes never met hers.

“Hi, I’m Lily.” She said politely.

After introducing themselves, they went upstairs to put their luggage on Peter’s old room and finally Lily was free to ask Peter who the hell that woman in red was and if she had to worry about her, but he simply answered “She’s my sister”.

“What’s her name?” she asked feeling a little embarrassed.

“Susan.” He said in a tone that told her that he didn’t want to talk anymore.

They heard a knock on the door, Peter opened it and was a little surprised to see it was Susan. She spoke quietly. “I’m going home now, just letting you know.” He looked at her in a way that he never looked at anyone and nodded.

From behind, Lily said “Hey, I’m Lily” as she smiled. But Susan never returned it, she simply said. “I know.” And left.

“Warm.” She said sarcastically when Peter closed the door.

“We’re British, we’re different.” Peter tried to calm her down, noticing the tension between them. Already he regretted bringing Lily.

“Right.” She said in disbelieve.

They had joined both Peter and Edmund’s bed together so they could sleep side-by-side. Lily was already on bed, but Peter’s head was agitated. He lighted a cigarette and opened the window, he really could use a glass of scotch now. He looked at Lily breathing softly and thought that he could have loved her if things were different, if his heart was vacant.

He heard soft knocking on the door and rushed to open it, so his girlfriend wouldn’t wake up. It was Lucy. He stepped out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

“What is it, Lu?” He asked with his cigarette on his fingers.

“Come on, I have something for you in the kitchen.” They were whispering.

It was like she read his mind. She gave him a bottle of fine scotch. A present for passing the bar exam, she said.

He poured a glass for him and she asked for a glass too, surprising him. “Since when do you drink?” he asked handing her the liquor.

“You’ve been away for a long time, brother.” She replied simply.

“Yeah.”

“So, it was intense between you and Susan tonight…”

He ignored her wink and asked “Lucy, how is she doing? She didn’t look too good…”

“You don’t know half of it.”

“Tell me.”

“Right after you left, she broke up with that boyfriend of hers. I don’t remember his name… Well, after that she became wild. She wouldn’t talk to us at all. She spent all her nights at parties, she even brought boys home, Peter. They would sneak out at dawn. She had completely lost her mind.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked worried.

“What good would it have done? Edmund wouldn’t let me tell you about Susan and he was right, you needed to live your own life.” Lucy said, but there wasn’t resentment on her voice.

“Her marriage?”

“That was another thing. She’d known him for three whole months before accepting his proposal. What kind of person does that? I just assumed she wanted leave our parent’s home. She ended everything though. He is crazy about her. Can you believe that he won’t sign the divorce papers?” 

“She’s still married?” he asked surprised. She nodded.

“But something changed, Peter. A few months ago she came here and we talked. We talked for hours, brother. I told her everything that was going on in my life and she told me a little about her too. She said she was sorry for how she treated me and we have been seeing each other a lot since. She’s always here, even though she lives across the city.”

“I’m glad, Lu. I know how you felt lonely sometimes.” He said squeezing her hand a little.

“She’s told me about you…” she said with a wicked smile.

He tried to ignore the change of rhythm of his heart “What did she say?”

“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. But, brother, you have to forgive her. She’s been through a lot. We all have, but she’s lost a part of herself.” _George_

“I know. I’ve forgiven her a long time ago, Lu. She just has to say the word.”

“And yet you bring a girl home.” He winced.

“I know I shouldn’t have…” and he poured himself another glass. “Hey, Lu. I really missed you.”

“I know. I missed you too.”

Peter got up his seat and took his glass and bottle with him.

The next morning was crazy. The last wedding he had attended to was his own and it was royal. Peter felt it was nothing compared to the madness in his former home. There were at least 30 women in the kitchen when he went down there to ease his hangover. He was shirtless and he felt like a piece of meat. He ran.

He took Lily to eat breakfast in a small café near his parent’s house. All he wanted was to be away until it was time for the wedding.

“I’m mad at you, you know.” She said pouting. Peter thought that she was very cute in that moment.

“Why?” he asked after a drag on the cigarette.

“You drank last night! You should have shared.” She drank her coffee and turned to see the people on the street.

He huffed good-humoredly. “We can drink tonight.” She smiled.

“You grew up here…”

“I did…”

“How was it?”

He paused a little. “It was good. Did you know we were sent to this weird mansion when I was thirteen?”

“Really? Why?”

“We were sent there to escape the war. It was a pain in the ass. Susan had this lame dictionary game she forced us into playing. Also, Edmund was an asshole. He’s good now, though.” Peter’s smile grew when he talked about his time with his family.

He took her to some sightseeing before it was time to return home and start to get ready.

The people inside his parent’s house disappeared and Peter thanked all the gods. Lucy was ready, and so was everybody looking at him like they wanted to kill him.

“What?” He asked when Edmund punched his shoulder.

“We leave in an hour. Go get ready.”

“Lily, you come with us.” Lucy said wearing her big, bright wedding dress and Susan gave her a look she couldn’t hide. “We’ll help you get ready. It’s faster with everyone helping.”

Exactly an hour later, a car appeared in front of the house and took them to the church. The ceremony was beautiful and their parents cried. Edmund looked proud. Peter didn’t know what he was feeling, but he was happy to see Lucy happy.

The tension between Susan and Lily eased a little when they helped Lily get ready. Susan actually introduced herself this time and praised Lily’s good taste in clothes, when they were choosing the best dress. Susan was the one who did her makeup and she felt really pretty.

Susan was wearing a soft blue dress, which Lily thought it highlighted her eyes. Susan eyes reminded her of Peter, they were intense and it seemed like they knew more than they were telling, which was the reason she was infatuated with Susan’s brother.

Back at home, for the reception, the place was all decorated, there was a dance floor in the middle of the backyard, and the small lamps decorating the way to the newlyweds made the place look bright.

Lily was just happy to drink some champagne. The best parties were like this, in her opinion, when her glass was empty, someone would swoop in and replace for a full glass before she noticed.

Peter sat next to her, with a glass on his hand. He observed the people dancing and laughed when he saw Edmund hitting on a girl who clearly wasn’t interested. But the true was that he wanted to look everywhere, except to the girl with blue eyes and blue dress.

But his eyes would always land on her. Susan was also sitting, a lazy glass of wine on her hand. She was alone. Sometimes their eyes would meet and they held each other’s gaze like it was contest. As he drank, he couldn’t keep his eyes from leaving her face and skimming her body. She was around that age when they got married to each other and that day was amazing.

He remembered running away to their room leaving their siblings to deal with the political aftermath. They only cared about each other back then.

He looked at Lily and she seemed bored. Did she want to dance?

She snorted “No, I don’t dance.”

“Are you bored?” He asked.

“No, I’m drunk, babe.” He chuckled.

“Me too.” She laughed as if he had told her a joke.

Peter got up to take some air and maybe sober up a little. His feet went on its own to where Susan sat. She only noticed him when he was right in front of her, standing up and looking down at her with those intense eyes. She shivered. He noticed. They stayed like that for a while.

From afar, Lily saw that interaction and thought it was very weird. She felt she was missing out on something and her mind wouldn’t go too deep, dreading what she would find out about Peter.

Finally, she saw Peter offering his hand to Susan. She looked at it for a moment and took it. Peter led them to the dance floor, but it was like they were on their own separate world. Their bodies didn’t move according to the song, her left hand was on Peter’s neck and he held her right one with his own. His left hand was creeping into her waist in a very non fraternal way.

They moved slowly, never leaving the little square under their feet. Lily saw the way their cheeks touched and their eyes were closed. Suddenly, she realized that they weren’t dancing at all, they were reminiscing.

She felt her heart break, because then she knew Peter would never be hers, he belonged to someone else.

Susan’s head was spinning. She felt completely overwhelmed by Peter’s body pressed against hers. Despite the cold air of the night, she felt herself hot and her breathing was shallow. She was so close to him that they shared the same air. Her hand was caressing the back of his neck and the hair on it. She missed his hands on her and for the first time since they were sent back from Narnia, Susan didn’t care for what people thought of them. She just wanted this fleeting moment. It was enough.

Lucy saw the scene in front of her with a weight in her heart. She knew their siblings should be together, but she also knew they couldn’t continue what they were doing in front of everybody. She gazed at Lily and Lucy was sure she had figured out the true nature of Peter’s relationship with Susan. She looked like a mix of anger and heartache.

Lucy walked over the yard with her wedding dress and called Edmund, who was looking as worried as she was.

“They will kiss, Lucy.” Edmund warned her.

“They won’t. They know better.” She continued looking at the couple. Lucy wasn’t so sure they knew. She noticed Peter’s hand on the small of her back, but it was too low. “Let them have this moment, Ed.” And she thought of wedding day enjoyments, not for her it seems she thought looking at Henry alone.

“You know what, Edmund, you take care of it. Go dance with Lily, she will make a scandal.” Lucy tried to forget about her siblings problems and sat next to her new husband.

Edmund sighed and promised he would punch Peter later.

He approached Lily with his charming smile. She wouldn’t look at him, her eyes fixated on Peter and Susan.

“Hey, let’s dance.” And she noticed Edmund.

“I don’t dance.” She said bitterly.

“I teach you. You know us, British men, are excellent dancers.” He tried very hard to sound cheerful.

“Peter doesn’t look like he knows what he’s doing on the dance floor, Edmund.” And she looked at him sharply.

He ignored and took her hand, pulling her out of her seat and dragging her to the opposite side of where Susan and Peter were.

He moved his body with hers as the energetic band played the songs Lucy had chosen.

“You know how to dance!” Edmund sounded surprised.

“I never said I didn’t know how to dance.” She looked at him with a grin. And they continued until her mood was improved.

“Hey, you are pretty amazing, Lily.” Edmund said looking at her eyes when the song ended. She held his eyes and hands, moving to a different song.

“I know I am.” She said confidently.

Peter felt like he was back in Narnia. Susan’s body next to his, so close and warm. But he knew he wasn’t there, because if they were, he would have dragged his sister to the nearest bush and taken her right in the forest. It was all he could think about with her breathing next to his face. The way her body arched when he was inside of her, wanting more, always more. It was never enough. This would never be enough in Narnia.

“Whore!” He heard someone shouting. This seemed to break their spell. Susan backed away from Peter, looking at the person screaming obscenities at her. Some people looked at them and she felt bad for Lucy, she didn’t want to ruin her day.

It was her ex-husband. She walked fast to where he was, preventing him from making a bigger scene and pushed him to the inside of the house, hiding him. But she didn’t notice that Peter was right behind her. “What did you call my sister?” was the last thing she heard before Peter punched her ex-husband.

“Peter, stop!” She held his arm and Peter stopped looking with disgust to the man lying on the floor with a sore eye from his punch.

“Philip, what are you doing here?” Susan asked exasperated. He didn’t answer. Susan heard people walking out of the bathroom and looking at them, so she took the man’s hand and dragged him to her former room upstairs.

“I just want to know why, Susan.” He said pathetically. Peter followed them and stayed by the doorway watching them talk. Phillip was sitting on Susan’s desk chair where she used to do her homework a long time ago.

She crouched next to him and put her hand on his leg. “Phillip, this would never work. It was a mistake from the beginning. Just sign the papers, let’s move on from this.” She tried to reason.

“But I do love you, Susan.”

“I never loved you.” She said coldly. He saw that it was true and swallowed dry. He nodded and she handed him a pen. He signed and got up the seat. Susan was now standing and looked at his eyes.

“I don’t want you around here anymore.” She said looking directly at his eyes. He left the room when Peter stepped away from the doorway and closed the door.

Susan sat on the bed with her divorce papers on her hands. She looked at it for a moment and let it on her desk. She looked up and got entranced by Peter’s eyes once again. “I’m a divorced woman now.” She said in a shrug and lay on the small bed looking at the ceiling.

“You’ve got to make better life decisions, love.” He said and she sighed.

“Come here.” She asked, making room for him next to her on the bed and watched him take his blazer off, loosening his tie and opening two buttons on his shirt. He sat on the bed and took his shoes off too.

This was a familiar position for them. She had her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and he caressed her hair.

“What happened to you, Su?” He asked. Susan tilted her head and looked at him.

“I don’t know…” She trailed off. “I changed when we were sent here and I couldn’t forgive you for moving on, for forgetting our son.”

“Susan, this is not true.” He said very serious. “I think about him every day.” She didn’t reply.

“You and our siblings went on with your lives as if nothing happened. I wanted that too and I thought I would never have that with you reminding me every day of what I’ve lost.” She opened another button on his shirt. “I hated you those days. I hated all of you. I wanted to be someone else.” Her fingers trailed the exposed skin on his chest. “That night, when we… I thought I could hurt you enough and you would leave me alone, I never thought you would leave the country.” Peter listened silently. “I missed you those days, so, so much…” She sighed. “And then I became someone else. I embraced the youth and this city... But I realized that I started to forget, I couldn’t remember his voice anymore, his face was blurred in my mind. A few months back I dreamed about him. He was so tall and he had your smile and then I remembered everything. Who I was, who we were and I was so ashamed of myself, Peter.” She touched his face. “Will you ever forgive me for hurting you?”

“It’s forgiven.” He leaned down and kissed her, she let him.

Outside, on the party, Lucy wasn’t aware of what happened to Susan and her ex-husband. She was busy entertaining her guests. Edmund didn’t notice that a fight was going on either, he was far too occupied with Peter’s girlfriend on his arms. They were dancing to a slow song now. He whispered gallantries on her ear and she felt some butterflies on her belly. Probably from the drinks she’s taken.

“Lily,” Edmund said breathless on her ear “Do you want me to take you somewhere else?” He asked and she shivered. “Yes.”

Edmund took her by the hand and led her to the inside of the house. When she closed the kitchen door, he kissed her mouth tentatively. She didn’t pull away, so he brought her even closer and deepened the kiss. He was breathless and took her by the arm until they reached the room where she was staying with Peter. Before entering, he asked “Are you certain?” “Yes.” She responded.

In Susan’s room, the siblings were already naked. Susan was sitting on his lap, she was kissing his neck and shoulders, leaving red stains on his body from lipstick and passion. Peter felt overwhelmed and just let her.

Suddenly, she stopped and he felt her weight out of his body. He opened his eyes and saw his Susan on her knees just centimeters away from his cock. He stiffened and then melted when she engulfed his whole thickness on her mouth. He had had other women in his life, but this was something that only Susan could provide properly. She knew all his secrets.

He enjoyed the feeling of her wet and warm mouth around him as she licked and kissed his shaft and balls. He could feel himself coming, so he stopped her and brought her to him, kissing her mouth. She was back on top of him and linked their bodies. Susan rode Peter in such a manner and she moaned every time that he was completely inside of her that he felt himself coming without warning. Still inside of her, he felt himself shrink, but he dragged his hand to her pussy and worked on her clit until she screamed his name.

That was the first time they slept a full night together in a decade.

Peter woke up with the sun on his eyes, shining brightly and promising. He was aware of the woman sleeping next to him. Their bodies completely tangled on the small bed, her thighs wrapped around his own, her arms around his torso and her breasts pressed on his side. Involuntarily, he felt his cock stiffening. He leaned down to kiss Susan’s neck and shoulders, she moaned his name with a voice rough from sleep and desire. Peter loved the sweet music of their lovemaking.

He entered her desperately, each thrust was deeper and Susan came fast and loudly. Peter could smell the scent of sex on her room and he came too, releasing everything he had inside of her.

He wanted to smoke a cigarette, so he got up and looked at the woman on the bed. Susan was sprawled on her back, her hair all over the place and her fair skin full of marks left by his mouth. In the following years, when Peter thought of sex, he could only think of that moment.

He had a cigarette on his two fingers and continued looking at her. He sat, naked, on the same chair her ex-husband had sat the night before.

“Come to New York with me.” He said and saw her frowning slightly.

“Peter… what are you saying?” She looked at him from the bed, her elbow supporting her head.

“I want you with me, you belong to me, Susan.” He said.

“Peter, our situation hasn’t changed. We are brother and sister, people will never accept us.” She said defensively and this time he frowned.

“What are _you_ saying, Susan?” He asked her gravely.

“Peter, I love you with all my heart. I love you so much that it hurts me, but we can’t be together. This world is broken and they will separate us, send us to jail for loving each other.” She watched as he started to dress himself.

“I can’t do this, Susan.” He said, annoyed. “I can’t have the same conversation over and over with you. When you are ready for me, give me a call.” She looked at him from the bed, she looked frustrated and she replied “I don’t have your number.” And he looked at her with a smile on his lips. He approached her on the bed and kissed her mouth like he wanted to swallow her. Breathless, he said “Ask Lucy.” And he left the room, somewhat frustrated and beaming at the same time.

On the corridor, he saw Edmund leaving the room he was sharing with Lily, whom he had forgotten completely about. He squeezed his eyes and waited until Edmund saw him. When he did, they looked at each other for a moment and Peter saw his brother approach him slowly.

“So, you and Susan huh, you gave us a scare last night.” Peter looked at him, but didn’t say anything. “Peter, I had sex with Lily last night.” He said flatly. Peter didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t angry, but he felt _something_. “It’s not right what you’re doing to her.”

“Glad you’re here to straighten things up, Ed.” He said sarcastically.

“Peter, we were drunk, she was frustrated with you. It won’t happen again. Hell, we don’t even live in the same continent.” Peter thought he was weird and then “You like her.” He said. Edmund looked down for a moment.

“She is pretty amazing, Peter.” He said looking up to Peter.

“She is.” He agreed lightly. “You can keep her if you want, Ed. I’m pretty sure we are done after last night.”

“I’d take her. But she likes you.” And Peter saw Edmund leaving downstairs. He walked to the bathroom and took a shower, remembering the feeling of his sister on his arms.

When Peter entered his bedroom with a towel on his hips, Lily was still on bed, her eyes were closed, but she wasn’t sleeping. He started to dress himself and he saw that she was watching him. He ignored for a moment.

Dressed, he sat on the edge of the bed and said simply “So, you slept with my brother.”

“So, you slept with your sister.” She said mocking his tone, shocked that he was judging her when, in her eyes, he had done so much worse.

He didn’t say anything, just kept looking at her.

“Why did you bring me here?” She asked, hurt.

“I thought I was ready. That you’d healed me.”

“You’re not sick, Peter.” She said looking at him.

“I don’t know what I am, I just know that I love her and we can’t be together.” He said feeling a knot in his stomach, because he had finally said it. He knew all along, but couldn’t admit it. He could never have a normal life with Susan, like they had in Narnia.

Lily felt sorry for him. She knew, then, that the day they met, he was crying over Susan.

“When did it start?” She asked, honestly.

“We were young. Suddenly we had this responsibility of looking out for our younger siblings and we were alone. We started to rely on each other and it became clear that we were in love.” He said very earnestly and Lily knew that this was the first time he’s ever talked about this.

“I’m sorry.” She said, sympathetically.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I shouldn’t have dragged you into my problems.” She didn’t want to be dragged into his problems either, so she didn’t say anything.

“Our flight is at noon. We can have lunch at the airport.” He said and she nodded. “I really am sorry, Lily. I wish things were different. I think you are amazing too.” He said referencing Edmund and she blushed.

Peter and Lily were sitting on the old sofa in the porch, waiting for the cab to take them to the airport. They heard the door opening and they were surprised to see Susan leaving the house. Peter stood up, Lily remained sitting, watching them interact. 

Susan looked at Peter. “I’m going home now. Be safe, Peter.” She said with a hand on his chest. He held her hand and pulled her into a last hug, she closed her eyes, trying to fight the tears away. When he released her, he said low “Don’t wait too long to call me.” And she walked away without saying anything. Lily saw her entering a battered car parked in front of the house and she left.

Their cab arrived and Lily was relieved to leave this place. Their trip back to New York was silent, but not entirely uncomfortable. They took another cab and Peter left her in front of her building, helping with her luggage. “Lily,” he said handing her a paper “This is Edmund’s number.” He didn’t say anything else. That was the last time he saw her.

She never called. Neither did Susan.

_To be continued_


	4. She is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

**She is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever**

He had a cigarette on his lips, while sitting in only the shorts he uses to sleep. The phone on his ear was casually being held by his shoulder. “Perhaps she’s right, brother.” Lucy said with a voice that couldn’t hide her sorrow.

“Lucy, you can’t be serious.” He says harshly, holding the phone with his hand.

“Peter, what you’re doing… it’s serious. Susan told me a story about these two French noble siblings who fell in love and they ran away, Peter, they even had a child. But they were found and they were decapitated, brother.” She said with horror in her voice. “I can’t condone you for taking that risk.”

“We don’t behead people these days, sister.” He said exasperated. But he knew she was right. Maybe he was being overly romantic, imagining a life with Susan. He wished love was enough to keep them together.

“Peter! You have your trysts, isn’t it enough?” She asked, knowing it wasn’t.

“It’s not enough, Lu.” He sighed. The one person who had always believed in them has now given up. Lucy was the witness of their love since the beginning.

Susan asked her once, in Narnia “How do you know you are in love, Lu?” and the girl answered with fake expertise “You feel it in your stomach.” And Susan knew she loved Peter.

“She’s not calling, is she?” He asked weakly.

“I don’t think she is, brother. But she loves you, Peter. When she told me what happened between you two… she was so sad. She’s staying with me for a while. I worry about her.” Lucy felt like her heart was ripped in two.

“I have to go, Lu.” She heard him saying very low. He didn’t wait her reply before hanging up.

The next few months, Peter buried himself in work. He felt too exhausted to think about his complicated love life, so when he met Angela, he was completely defenseless against the force of her desire.

They were in a bar and Peter had had a drink or two with his colleagues. Angela was a friend of a friend. He felt her eyes on him immediately and he just let himself being dragged into her apartment between kisses and desperate touches.

In the light of the day, she was even more impressive. She was tall and thin and blonde. She was a doctor and she was her own woman. She was ahead of her time, Peter thought. It was simple being with her, she didn’t expect much of him, but she wanted him.

In the bedroom, she wasn’t selfless, she knew what she wanted and she did everything to achieve her goal. She would touch herself while Peter was inside of her, just to make sure she would come. Peter felt relieved having her around, it was easy.

Being with Lily was an experience he was thankful for. She opened all kinds of doors for him, his fear of relationship was something distant in his mind and he didn’t feel as lonely. He liked surprising her with presents and waking up with her warm smiles and warmer skin next to him.

With Angela, he found himself wanting that. But she beat him to it once again. She asked him, bravely, to move in with her. She reasoned that his work was closer to her place and that was the only way of them seeing each other, since her work overwhelmed her. He agreed.

They are together for a year now.

On Christmas, Lucy and Henry visited Peter. She knew about Angela, but Lucy didn’t ask much about her. Her newfound proximity to Susan made her sad for seeing him with another woman.

Angela insisted that they stayed with them, even though they wouldn’t do anything special for the holiday. One day, very early, Peter went to the guest room where Lucy was and took her to eat breakfast and talk without the prying eyes of their partners.

“How is she, Lu?” He asked.

“Peter, how do you do this? How do you share a bed with one thinking about another?” She was angry with him.

“Lu, what do you want me to do? Take chastity vows?” He asked defensively.

“You were so harsh with Susan in the past and now you do exactly the same thing. That Lily girl and now this woman.” She couldn’t call Angela a _girl_.

He ignored Lucy and asked again. “How is she, Lu?” She looked at him and sighed.

“She’s fine. She’s studying to be a secretary. Father is helping her with money for now.” Peter nodded and realized that Susan was unmarried now. Inside of him, grew a will to provide. He was her husband once, he wanted to give her everything.

“Is she happy?” He asked. Lucy looked at him pointedly. “No.”

The conversation did not go the way he thought it would, so he paid the bill and returned home.

After Christmas, Lucy left and Peter felt that there was a gap between him and his sister and he didn’t know how to bridge that space. He sent Lucy a letter and inside of the envelope he sent Susan a check and a note, saying that he would be sending her a monthly allowance. It wasn’t much, but it was enough so that she wouldn’t need to work.

A few weeks later Lucy replied and inside of the envelope there was a note from Susan, the only she’s ever written him.

_Peter,_

_I will be alright._

_Yours,_

_Su._

And she returned his check. He folded that note and hid inside his wallet. He would often read those words and imagine her writing on a desk, or imagining how she felt when he sent the money. He knew she wasn’t angry with him. _Yours_. _His_.

A few months after that, he was celebrating for winning a difficult case for his firm. He promised paying a round of beer for everybody, but he would be drinking expensive scotch.

They sat on the booth and he took off his coat.

“Pete, you killed it today. I’d expect a promotion after that.” Jack, his colleague, said.

“You think?” He replied with a grin and sipping his drink. Jack saw when Peter’s smile vanished from his face and he looked forward as if he saw a ghost. He followed his gaze and saw a brunette woman with a suitcase looking directly at Peter. He thought it was strange and joked.

“Hot, huh. But leave that one for me, you already have a girlfriend.” And with that Peter seemed to come to his senses and said harshly “She’s my sister.” And he ran to her, holding her in his arms strongly. Susan’s face was red and she was wearing jeans, which he had never seen her wearing. She only wore dresses and skirts.

He hugged her like he wanted merge himself with her. And she went limp into his arms, she almost tumbled on the floor, but he caught her and looked at her worried. She wasn’t well.

Her face was red from crying. Her voice seemed to disappear as she said “take me to your place, please, Peter.” She begged. His heart raced, what happened to her?

The bar was in front of the building he lived, so the rain didn’t soak their clothes as they crossed the street fast. Peter never turned back to take his coat.

“Susan, what happened?” He said as he touched her arms and shoulders. His hands traveled to her body as if he wanted to make sure she was real.

She cried again. She sobbed on his chest as he pressed her to himself. He worried.

“They’re dead, Peter.” His heart seemed to stop. Who?

“Susan, who? Who’s dead?” She tried to catch her breathing and tell him everything, but she couldn’t say it. She felt like puking.

“All of them, Peter. They’re all dead.” She fell on the floor and Peter let her. “Lucy, Edmund, Mother, Father, Henry.” She counted the bodies.

“No,” he said. His eyes lost. “No.” he repeated as he crawled into the floor with her. His eyes poured and she let herself cry openly too.

“What happened, Su?” He asked with his voice coarse.

“Peter,” she was on his lap. “I think he took them.” What?

“What are you saying?” He worried she was losing her mind.

“Aslan, Peter. I felt it. My fingers tingled when I went there. I felt the magic. He left us behind.” And she cried again. He was stunned.

“What happened, Susan. Please tell me.” He begged.

“A train wreck. They were all in the train when the accident happened.” She told him. “I swear I felt it, Peter. He left us behind.” She repeated. He believed her.

“When?” He asked.

“A week ago.” He nodded. Why didn’t she call him? “There weren’t any bodies to burry, Peter. They disappeared.”

“Why didn’t you call me, Susan?” He asked. He wanted to go there and feel the leftover magic too.

She raised her head and told him. “I don’t have your number, Peter.” And he felt the irrational urge to laugh. He laughed desperately, but the tears on his eyes never stopped pouring. She just looked at him, empty.

Her eyes dried and she tried to get up. Her jeans were wet and her blouse was cold. He looked up and saw the dark stains under Susan’s eyes. She offered her hand to help him up. They hugged and mourned the loss of their whole family.

A few minutes later, after a heavy silence, Peter asked “When was the last time you slept, my love?”

“I slept a bit on the plane.” And he knew the answer.

“Come to bed, you need to rest.” He led her by the hand to the room he shared with Angela, who was working. He started to peel her wet clothes off and soon she was on her underwear and he was pressed behind her on the bed. She felt protected and safe and exhaustion won the battle as she drifted into a heavy sleep.

Peter didn’t sleep that night. He couldn’t. Would Aslan really leave them behind? Had they sinned so much that heaven had its gates closed to them? He felt her body on his and he swore that he didn’t regret. They lived in hell, but the fleeting moments with Susan were better than an eternity in heaven.

He saw the sun starting to show its face from behind the light drapes on the window and he got up. He went to the living room and lighted a cigarette. He was only wearing his boxers and he sat on the sofa with his hands on both sides of his face. He regretted being so far away from Lucy on those last months. Edmund wouldn’t talk to him properly after Lily and he never really had a full conversation with Lucy’s husband. He thought he had time to patch things up with his family. And now he would never see them again. The last piece of himself lay on his bed.

He heard the front door opening and he remembered Angela. She looked surprised to see him up half naked on the sofa, but didn’t question him. She walked fast to her room to put her things there and then ask what was the brooding about. But he only heard a “what the hell, Peter.” And he jumped, remembering that she didn’t know Susan.

He held her elbow and closed the door, so Susan wouldn’t wake up.

“Peter!” She screamed.

“Stop screaming!” He said harshly. “She’s my sister.” He repeated what he said to Jack earlier. That got him off the hook most times, but Angela didn’t react like he thought she would and didn’t look embarrassed for having the wrong idea. “I’ve bad news.” But he couldn’t bring himself to say it. She looked at him expectantly, but was taken aback when Peter’s eyes started to pour again. “Peter…” She approached him calmly. She touched his face and said “Tell me…”

“They’re dead.” and he started to say all the nonsense Susan had told him earlier, he couldn’t explain right with all the tears and the pain in his chest. He felt himself being held and he cried on her shoulders.

Later, he had put on some pants and a T-shirt. He sat on the sofa and Angela prepared tea.

“She’s Susan, right? The estranged sister.” He nodded.

“Why is she naked?” She asked, but there wasn’t malice in her voice. He gave her a look and answered “She’s not naked. We got wet from the rain.” He answered evenly.

They looked at the door when they heard it open. Susan was still on her underwear and her face was completely red when she noticed that Angela eyed her from head to toe. She had left her suitcase on the hall. She looked at Peter with panic on her eyes and he got up and pushed her into the bedroom to hide her body. He took her suitcase and brought to her, closing the door behind them and leaving Angela puzzled. After a while, he emerged back into the kitchen as if nothing happened. She didn’t say anything.

“How is she?” She asked.

“She’s tired.” He asked drinking his tea. “I will leave back to London with her. I need to…” he trailed off.

“Sure.” She answered. “Do you want me to come with you?” he shook his head.

Susan appeared again. She had taken a shower on Angela’s bathroom and her hair was wet. She wore a white dress and Peter thought she looked like a bride.

Angela approached her and introduced herself with a hand on her shoulder. She was taller than Susan, which made her feel a little intimidated. “I’m Susan, Peter’s sister.” She said coldly.

Peter poured her a cup of tea and handed her, giving her a chance to escape Angela’s condolences as she ran to sit next to him on the kitchen stools. Peter saw how Susan already hated his girlfriend and he felt an urge to protect his sister, so he put a hand on her shoulder and whispered “okay?” and she nodded.

Angela felt like a third wheel so she decided to go out to buy them some food. She has seen people mourning before. As a surgeon, sometimes she felt way too close to death. She understood that these days would be difficult for Peter and Susan, so she assumed that it would be best if they were left alone.

“I’ve forgotten about her.” She said when Angela left. “I knew, but…” He nodded and didn’t say anything. Every time he tried to move on, she would show up and make it clear that he could never, he loved her and only her. He fought the urge to apologize for having someone else in his life.

They moved to the sofa. Peter had his head on her lap while she caressed his hair. “Are you certain you felt the magic?” he asked looking up at her. “I felt it in my body. My fingers… I can still feel it.”

“I want to feel it.” He said. He longed to feel that since they were sent to this horrible world.

“Peter, we have to do something about our parent’s house. Are we selling it?” He didn’t know. Would he abandon her in London all by herself? “Lucy… her house is Henry’s mother’s now. Ed’s apartment, I’ve been there only once. It’s small and it’s a rental.” She knew she had so much to deal with and Peter felt like kidnapping her and letting all these problems solve themselves, but he knew better. “I’m coming back with you. When are you leaving?” he asked. “In two days.”

“How did you know where I was last night?” he asked.

“I didn’t know. I went to your apartment. No one answered when I rang the bell, so I went there to make a phone call. Book a room in a hotel.” She answered watching his eyes flutter when she caressed his nape. His breathing started to even in and she knew he was sleeping. Susan observed Peter. He was older. She remembered when he was that age in Narnia. He would have a beard and their son was 3, maybe 4.

She shook her tears away and heard Angela arriving back to the apartment with food bags and soda. Susan managed to leave the sofa without waking him up and helped her sister-in-law with the bags.

“I met your sister last year.” Angela told Susan. “She was very nice. I really liked her.” and Susan couldn’t get past the fact that she said “was” instead of “is”.

“Lucy’s the best of us.” She couldn’t use the proper verb tense.

“How are you feeling? Physically, I mean. I can’t help you with anything else…” Angela said sympathetically. Susan didn’t know how to answer.

“I’m tired. I haven’t really slept after the accident. Last night…” She didn’t say anything else, remembering Peter’s body against her.

“How long have you been with my brother?” Susan asked suddenly.

“How long?” She repeated and counted. “A year and four, no, five months.” She told Susan.

“I haven’t talked to him since Lucy’s wedding. I missed him.” She said earnestly looking at her brother sleeping on the sofa. He looked lonely.

“Susan, you’re his last family. I don’t know what happened between you two, and it’s none of my business, but don’t disappear on him. He loves you a lot.”

“I know.” Angela would never know how much.

They ate in silence. After a while, Angela showed her the guest room and said that she was tired, she had worked a long shift last night and she would sleep, but Susan should wake Peter up.

Susan sat on the kitchen stool and supported her own face on the counter while she looked at Peter sleeping. She wanted to lay with him, feel his warmth and fool herself for a while, thinking she wasn’t alone. As if feeling her eyes on him, Susan saw his eyelids open and he looked directly at her for a moment.

They shared so much with their eyes.

He got up the sofa and asked about Angela. Susan said she went to sleep.

“She left you here alone?” He knew Angela was not the warmest person ever, but this infuriated him.

“We talked a little. You slept a long time, brother.” She said looking at the clock. Four pm. When he was close enough, she touched his face and he relaxed. She wanted to kiss him.

“I have to call work.” He said with his eyes closed, feeling her hands caressing his face and neck. He didn’t move until he felt her hands leaving his body and he opened his eyes. She was close. He leaned and kissed her mouth.

It was a light kiss, the kind of kiss teenagers share when they are kissing for the first time. His hand was on her hair and she accepted his lips with anxious longing. He hugged her and spread kisses over her face. Her cheek, her chin, her forehead, her lips again. And Susan didn’t feel lonely anymore.

“I love you, Peter.” She whispered feeling his soft lips on her ear.

He stopped the kissing and looked at her “I know.” He pulled away from her and reached for the phone. He called his firm and then he booked a flight to leave America with his sister.

“How are you feeling?” She asked him.

“I don’t know.” She didn’t press. “It doesn’t feel real.” He said searching the bags Angela had brought. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He said.

“You didn’t know.” She responded simply.

“Still…”

Later, at night, Susan was terrified of being left alone. Angela would only work the next morning and she assumed Peter would be sleeping with his girlfriend. She was on the balcony of Angela’s apartment and admired the sight before her. She could see the traffic, the lights and the people from where she stood and she desperately wanted to be one of those anonymous people walking hastily. Being on her own skin hurt her, she’s lost so much and she continued losing. She wondered what she’s done to deserve such relentless punishment. Susan thought of Peter and the life they shared. Was her love for him that wrought such ire from the above?

She felt his arms enveloping her from behind as if it was an answer and she leaned into him. She looked at the skies defiantly and linked their hands together. Susan felt Peter’s breathing on her neck and she closed her eyes. Their proximity healed a little of her pain and she never wanted to leave him again.

“I have to tell you something.” She said turning to see his face. He just waited. “I’m barren.” She told him flatly.

He frowned “What?”

“I can’t have children. After the last time we made love I felt something, I hoped… But I wasn’t pregnant and I learned that I could never have children.” She told him and her eyes started to shine.

“But… we have a child, Susan.” He said, remembering how many times they mourned their unborn children.

“He was a miracle, Peter.” She cried on his chest. “We lost our miracle.” And he felt tears on his own eyes.

Angela was on her bed, but she suddenly felt cold. She turned around and found herself alone. She searched for the source of the drift and saw the open door. She got up the bed to look for Peter.

But she saw him and Susan on the balcony. Their foreheads were touching and they were both sobbing. Peter’s hand was on his sister’s face and she had her own on his shoulders. Angela felt something in her heart and ran back to her room, afraid to see more.

She couldn’t sleep anymore and Peter never returned to her bed. She wondered if they were really blood related, but their eyes, their lips and their jawline were identical. Calmer, Angela thought that she was being unfair to them. She couldn’t begin to understand the trauma they were going through and this thought comforted her heart. She fell asleep.

In the morning, Angela left her bed and walked to her bathroom to get ready for work. When she stepped away from her bedroom, she saw Peter and Susan intertwined on her sofa. Their legs were overlapped and their arms hugging each other, their faces almost touching. She couldn’t keep her eyes off of them and she pressed her teeth together. She felt something that she had never felt towards anyone before. She felt jealous.

Later, Peter woke up feeling his arm numb. He tried to get up without waking Susan up, but it was impossible with the way their bodies were tangled. She opened her eyes and saw her brother standing and walking towards the kitchen. Her face was puffy from crying, but she felt that she didn’t have tears anymore.

He looked at her and she smiled, he smiled back. They were staring at each other and Susan saw when his smile faded and he ran to her, crashing his lips with hers. She desperately accepted his tongue inside her mouth and he started to strip her. She let him. His hands squeezed her thighs and she opened her legs as if by instinct. Peter was surprised to feel how wet she already was “My love,” he whispered “I haven’t done anything yet.” And she looked mortified, but soon her eyes closed when she felt his fingers inside of her. Susan moaned and felt herself close. She didn’t want to come so soon, but before she could do anything she felt herself trembling and shivering under her brother.

He watched as she shook off her orgasm and their eyes met. “I haven’t been with anyone else, you know.” She said “After you…” He nodded and started to caress her breasts. “You think you can go again?” She closed her eyes and nodded. Their lips met again and Susan tried to take his clothes off, but he never left her mouth and they kissed for what seemed hours. Peter missed her and he wanted to hold on to that moment. He finally left her mouth when Susan reached his cock and started to move her hands up and down on him.

He stripped and soon he was inside of her. His movements were slow, feeling Susan’s hand on his hair. He looked down and admired how beautiful his sister was in that moment. Her eyes were closed, and her mouth was partially open, breathing fast. She moaned quietly in every thrust and he leaned to lick her lips, not resisting the way her mouth gaped. “Faster” she whispered and Peter seemed to come to his senses, speeding up into a pace he knew she liked. She was close and he felt her walls squeezing his cock, he came when she screamed his name on his ear.

Peter rested his head on her shoulder, catching his breathing, and then collapsed next to her on the small sofa. Susan turned her body and started to kiss his face, he closed his eyes and accepted her love. “I’m ready, Peter.” She said and he opened his eyes, searching the truth on her face. “Su…”

“There’s no life without you. I can’t fight this anymore.” She said with her hands on his face.

Peter held her naked body and said “We leave tomorrow.”

At night, Angela arrived with food. Peter was smoking on the balcony and Susan was taking a shower. She noticed his traveling bag next to Susan’s and felt her heart clench.

“Peter,” she said appearing on the balcony “I brought pasta for us.” He thanked her warmly. He felt that his relationship with Angela was entirely based in convenience, but he had spent almost two years with that woman. He felt like he owed her an explanation, but couldn’t give it to her. Angela felt his eyes on her and remembered that his intense staring had always scared her. It was like he wanted something from her, but she didn’t know what, so she never held his eyes too long.

When they were eating, Peter tried to take his eyes off Susan, but he couldn’t. Eventually, he gave up on food, got up his seat and poured a glass of scotch. When he returned to his seat, Susan looked at Peter’s glass and said surprised “You still drink it” and he looked at her eyes. “It was all I had left.” Angela thought that exchange strange and noticed how Susan held his gaze in a way that she never could. She left for bed early while the siblings were still on the table.

Peter didn’t come to her bed that night.

In the morning, Angela drove them to the airport. She wanted to kiss Peter goodbye, but suddenly it felt inappropriate, so she only hugged him and then Susan.

She watched the siblings walking side by side to the boarding area and saw when Peter reached for Susan’s hand, lacing their fingers together. She was only mildly surprised when Peter never returned.

_Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The name of the chapters are taken from the song "Lover, you should've come over" by Jeff Buckley.  
> Thank you for reading. Please comment if you enjoyed!


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